My dear friends. I am so very sorry I haven’t written in several weeks, but my mind has either been blank – or too swirly to write. You know, that chaotic jumble of thoughts where you can’t even begin to pick out ONE to focus upon. Kinda like bees swarming in their hive. I feel like I have needed one of those beekeeper dudes to bring a smudge pot to calm the bees so my thoughts can easily bee extracted (pun intended).
Recently it has also been hard for me to write about the events in my life without sounding too whiney or too weak – two character traits I abhor in myself.
However, I think the main reason I have been unable to put fingers to keyboard isn’t that I don’t have anything to say – but more because of who reads this blog. Well, specifically ONE person who reads my random musings. And since thoughts of him, of us, of what we were, and of what we never will be again are at the center of the vortex of swirly thoughts, I knew that by writing them down – I was actually sharing them with him. And as we all know, sharing thoughts about another is so very hard to do.
The true irony is that he once called me the most open person he had ever met. He was awed by how I will say whatever is on my mind. He was both fascinated and frightened by it. Terrified because I could also tell exactly what was running through his mind – even things he couldn’t verbalize.
Yet now, I hold my thoughts for fear of him running off. Spooking him – like some hungry orphaned kitten who runs off as soon as you try to handle him. ZIP! Right back into his hiding place until the next time you manage to coax him out. No sudden movements! Or he’ll be gone again! Running for his life – or maybe running away from the new life.
But, while he may at times act scared and confused with me, he is not that little lost kitten. And if reading my words spooks him, so be it. Hopefully, he will remember that my frankness is one of the many things he fell in love with.
So, my dear readers, back to my writing. Back to voicing my mind. Back to expressing myself in the only way I know how. With words. Many many words.
Oh, how I have missed it.