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Category Archives: Get Thee Out of My Head!

Crossroads

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I am standing at a crossroads.

Unsure as to which path to choose.

One path leads to a familiar land.

A land once filled with joy.

But, in more recent times, it is a land consumed with anger and frustration.

The other path is completely unknown.

I have no idea where it leads.

One false step and I lose everything.

Or, by choosing that path –

That path to uncertainty –

I could find myself

On the road

To

Happiness.

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AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!


I swear, today was one of those days when I just want to walk out and not look back.

One of those days when I feel like it doesn’t really matter what I do, I will end up being screwed in the end.

One of those days when I wanted to step outside and scream at the top of my lungs.

One of those days when I wanted to come home, crawl in my bed, pull my comforter over my head, and never come out.

One of those days when it is all too easy to forget why I keep going every day, why I keep giving it my best, why I keep caring.

I am so tired of the politics of it all.

I am so tired of that helpless feeling of being completely out of control.

I am so tired of jumping through hoops that just keep getting higher and higher.

I need to find my joy.

I just have no idea where it is hiding.

Come out, come out, where ever you are.

Absolution


I harbored the pain
Inside my heart
Allowing it to grow –
to fester –
Until it consumed my soul.
Unwilling to permit it to ebb
Forcing it to flow once again
Until it drowned my thoughts.

Releasing the pain meant –
Releasing you,
Releasing us,
Releasing what we were,
Releasing what we were to be.

Releasing my pain meant –
Releasing you,
Releasing your guilt,
For what we never would be again.

My pain –
Your guilt –
Became our life line
Keeping us tethered
Unable to rejoin the past,
Yet
Unable to move forward.

Only in allowing the pain to ebb –
Only in severing the bond –
Only in releasing you –
Can true healing come.

So-
I offer you forgiveness
For my pain.
I offer you freedom
From our ties.
I offer you absolution
From your guilt.
And the peace that can only come
From
Release.

Melancholia

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Melancholia – (n) – The state of being melancholy.

I have been in a state of melancholy recently.

Maybe it has something to do with school being out, and having way to much time to think.

But, mostly, it is because I can’t seem to turn my mind off.  Oh, how I wish there was an off switch.  Better yet, I wish there was something I could do to wipe my brain.

As the “summer” progresses (being the school summer as technically we are still in spring), I find my mind going back to where I was last summer.  Things that I was doing.  Things that we were doing.  And that causes me to become melancholy.  Dates on the calendar, or events that have passed, or songs being played, bring me back to what at the time I believed was the most magical time of my life.  A new beginning.   A new life.

To paraphrase that song by The Kinks – “Melancholia will destroy you.”

Now, to get to work on developing that mind-eraser…

 

Never Can Say Good-bye

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I am sure I am not alone in this, but, saying good-bye to someone is incredibly hard for me.  Thoughts of everything I wanted to say, but never did, come flooding into my mind.  Swirling around.  Bouncing into one another.  It doesn’t help that I am a rather emotional person.  So, when the words start bouncing – the tears start to come – and I end up not saying what I should.

In the next few days, I am going to have to say good-bye to one of the most important people in my life.  But, I can’t.

For 15 years, I have worked with Kimber.  And in those 15 years, she has become so much more than just a co-worker.  She has become one of my very best friends.  And now, she is moving.  To Texas.   Half way across the country.  And I feel as if a part of me is moving away, too.

I have been in denial about it since she told me about it in January – refusing to admit it was actually going to happen.  Yet, here we are.  No matter how much wishin’ and hopin’ and thinkin’ and prayin’ I did – she is still going to be leaving.

For 15 years, we have had lunch together nearly every day (with the exception of the years when our lunches were scheduled too far apart).  We became friends while I was still single.  She supported me through my wedding.  Shared my joy in each of my pregnancies.  Loved my children almost as much as I do.  Taught two of them.  Held my hand as I made the decision to get divorced.  Listened to my stories of beginning to date again.  Felt my excitement when I thought I had found my forever love, and then held me as I cried when that relationship ended.

When money was tight – she would just hand me a check, or a grocery store gift card.

When I have been so busy with things I haven’t been able to breathe – she has quietly brought homemade dinners for my children.

She has picked up clothes for me – just because she thought I would look cute in it.

Each time she simply says, “I hope this blesses you.”  And each time it has.  More than I have been able to say.

Not that everything is heart and flowers.  We have VERY differing opinions about some very important things – namely politics.  But, we have learned to STAY AWAY from those topics.  And when we do get into a heated discussion about things, we don’t let it destroy our friendship.

In these 15 years, she has become far more than just a friend.  She has become part of my family.

Monday, her students threw a “surprise” going away party for her, and my class and I were invited over for it.  The whole time I was fighting the tears, because once I started crying, it was going to be an UH-GUH-LEE cry.  One of my very astute students came up to me and said, “You know, I have always seen you two more as sisters than just friends.”  How right she was.  Kimber has become far more than just  a friend.  She has become the big sister I always wanted.  And I love her as much as if she had been.

I believe God puts some people in your life for a reason.  Those people who leave you changed for good.  And I believe Kimber is one such person.

I know in my heart, our friendship is not over.

I know in my heart, she will be a part of me forever.

So, with tear streaming down my cheeks, I say good-bye my dear dear friend.  Thank you for being a part of my life.  Thank you for every little thing that I may have forgotten to say thank you for.

I love you, my dear friend.

Bon voyage.

The Butterfly Effect, Or How One Person Can Change the Course of Your Life

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The butterfly effect is an element of chaos theory that states a butterfly flapping its wings somewhere in China, could cause a hurricane in the Caribbean.  In popular culture, it is used in conjunction with time travel.  If you change one little thing in the past – what would happen to everything else in the future.  Think It’s a Wonderful Life.  Every one changes – for the worse – when George Bailey is shown what would happen if he had never been born.

Our own lives can be like that.  We look back and see that if one thing had happened differently, everything else would be changed.

I had a Butterfly Effect moment yesterday.  While I was in the shower (it is really funny how much thinking I can get done while washing my hair).  I started thinking about the events of the week, and seeing my former crush.  And it occurred to me, that if not for my former crush – my life could possibly be completely different now.  Here’s how.

1.  I might not have gotten back into singing.  My former crush was the choir director at my church – but before that he had played piano for the choir (don’t ask me what I have with pianists…my former love is one as well).  I hadn’t sung in public for YEARS – instead allowing my performance anxiety to comsume me.  But, then I got a good look at the pianist and thought, “Dang!  He’s kinda cute.  Maybe I’ll join the choir.”  He is the one who encouraged me to sing my first solo at church.  Other than one in college, I hadn’t soloed since high school.  It was only one line at the end of the anthem, and I was shaking like a leaf, but I did it because he asked me to.  Now, I am the main female soloist at church, and am frequently told I should sing professionally.

2.  I probably would not have met my ex-husband.  I met the Monkey Daddy at one of his improv shows.  The former crush was supposed to go with me, but at the last-minute he cancelled.  If he had gone, I probably would not have been waiting in front of the comedy club for my other friends to arrive, which means the Monkey Daddy would not have seen me standing there and come over to talk to me.  My ex would have probably also thought that I was “with” the former crush, thus REALLY not coming over to talk to me.

3.  I would not have my Three Little Monkeys.  Oh, of course, I might have children.  I might even have three.  But, they wouldn’t be the ones I have now (which depending on the day could be a good or a bad thing).

4.  I might not have gone back to teaching.  I was pretty happy with the job I had.  But, once I started dating the Monkey Daddy, I started slacking off at my old job.  And found my old wanderlust acting up again, thus deciding to go back to teaching.

5.  I probably would not have met my former love.  Since I met my former love through my ex-husband (his ex and my ex have been friends for almost three decades), most likely G and I would have never started dating.  And while the break-up has sucked more than anything else in life, I can’t imaging not having had him in my life.

I’m not saying things would have been better – nor am I saying they would be worse.  But, they would be different.

Interesting to think about…

Moving On

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I heard once that the one way to truly get over a former relationship is to move on to the next one.  How strange.  And how seemingly unfair to the next person.  To be used for the purpose of getting over someone else.  My question is, how, exactly, do you know when you are really emotionally ready for that?

Yes, I understand that there is only so long you can HOPE for a reconciliation – particularly if the relationship ended amicably – or if there are some unresolved issue.   I mean, it’s not like the love disappears overnight.  It is still there, right under the surface.

Take my relationship with my former love as an example.  There is no doubt in my mind that I still love him, even though it has been seven months since our “break-up.”  And no, not just because I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself that we are no longer together.  Well, that’s not overly true.  We are still “together,” but in a different way.   We have managed to remain friends.  Close friends.  Our relationship has moved on to a different phase.  But, if given the opportunity, I would welcome the chance to try our relationship again.  There were far more goods than bads.  It was right. Full of joy and love and happiness.   99% of the time.  But, the situation is/was so damn complicated, we never had the chance to have it be about US.   He and I have said that if our relationship had begun THIS April instead of LAST April, things would have been completely different.  If we had simply waited until his past was truly in his past and no longer in his present.  But, that isn’t how the story of us played out.  Unfortunately.

The fact of the matter is, it HAS been seven months since we ended what we had been.  And the fact of the matter is, he has “moved on.”  He is in a new relationship.  (It is even “Facebook worthy.”  He changed his relationship status.)   I gotta admit, I was surprised it happened so relatively soon.  There are times (only a few times) when I will doubt how “real” we were – because he has moved on, and I don’t quite seem ready to do so.  I mean, was I really that easy to get over?   God knows he hasn’t been.  But, in my heart  I know that what we had been was incredibly real and special and unique…which makes it even harder for me to stop looking longingly upon the closed door.

About a month ago, I fessed up and told my former love that I was still in love with him.  I felt he needed to know.  Not that I thought things would change.  Admittedly, I was pretty sure they wouldn’t.  But, I felt he had to know.  And not by reading my blog  – and deciphering the metaphors from my poems.  Just point blank.  I am still in love with you.  I do not regret saying it.  It came from my heart.  And I also know that no matter what happens in the future, I will always be in love with him.  It’s just how things are.  Relationships like ours don’t come along every day.  After all, it was one of those great loves that if you are fortunate enough to have one, it will change you for good.  Forever.

letting goBut, even seven months later, there is a part of me that feels as if I am betraying him – or us – if I were to move on.  How could I say I still love him, if I am ready to see someone else?  How could I say I would step right back in to what we had if I were to move on?  And would that be fair to the next person?  Knowing that in my heart I am still conflicted?

Who knows.

But, something happened this week that made me think that maybe, just maybe, I might be just about ready.  You see, I saw a former crush.  A wonderful, kind, sensitive, compassionate, creative man I had a MAJOR crush on for a couple of years – before children – before my ex-husband – before his ex-wife – before I had even met my former love.  And for the first time in seven months, I actually felt a little giddy at the thought of seeing someone.  You know.  Made sure I looked cute.  Tried my best to be witty.  Smiled a lot.  And I felt that old familiar feeling of my heart going pitter-patter.  Not that anything will happen – other than us getting together to chat about everything that has happened in the seven years since we have seen each other – but, it felt good to see  him.  Really good.  And I realized I had missed him.  So, it made me think maybe, just maybe, I was just about ready to move on.

Not that I suddenly don’t feel conflicted.  Because I do.

Not that I suddenly don’t love my former love.  Because I do.

Not that I suddenly stopped feeling a little guilty about thinking about moving on.  Because I do.

But, maybe it is time.

Maybe it is time to stop staring longingly at that closed door and see the ones that might open for me.

Maybe it is time for me to realize that it’s not that I don’t still care for my former love, but that I can’t control the fact that he has moved on.

Maybe it is time for me to take control and open a few doors.

Maybe it is time to move on.

Just maybe.