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Daily Prompt: Name that… You!


Daily Prompt: Name that… You!.

My name.

I’ve had a love/hate relationship with it my whole life.

I have never really felt like a “Susan,” whatever that should feel like.

I guess I just always felt it to be an old-fashioned, plain name.  And I’ve never really felt “old-fashioned.”  As a child I certainly felt plain…but DEFINITELY not now.  Now, I am sassy and fabulous.

I do not know where my parents came up with the name Susan.  My hunch is that I was named for my father’s best friend’s wife.  Both of my parents deny it.  I don’t believe them.

Susan comes from the Hebrew, Shoshana, meaning “graceful lily.”  Ok.  Well, I danced for about 19 years, so I could see the graceful thing.  But, there is no way my parents would have known that as I was but a wee little 6 pound, 11 ounce baby lying in my hospital bed.

My middle name is Katharine.  It came from my mother. It  was her name, and the name of her German grandmother.  There was never any doubt in my mother’s mind that her baby girl would carry the name.

Katharine comes from the Greek, Aikaterine or katharos, meaning pure.

So, when you put the meanings of my name together it is “a graceful lily that is pure.”

I kinda like that.  THAT sounds poetic and lovely.

In light of that, henceforth I shall be called, Pure Graceful Lily.

Oh sure, it’s a bit of a mouthful, but it’s my name and I can do what I want to with it.  And why shouldn’t my name be as fabulous as the wonder that is me?

I think so!

The Most Terrifying Words in the English Language


I have just discovered the nine most terrifying words in the English language…

“I should send you the link to my blog”

I guess I should clarify that.  Those are the nine most terrifying words in the English language when spoken to someone you are getting to know,

Particularly with my blog.

As we have discussed before, dear readers, my blog was formed almost a year ago as a way for me to express all those things going through my head after my break-up with my former love.  In the year since, it has become an outlet – a sort of therapy session.  I will write about just about anything that pops into my head.  And honestly, that is how I write – it just pops in there.

I have shared my inner most pain.  I have bared my soul to all of you.  None of what I have written has been fiction.  Everything has been based on the reality that is my life.

Some of you only know me through my writings.  Some of you have known me for years.  And I am glad I have affected you all in some way.

But, there is something about sending someone new – where we are still “feeling each other out” – over to read my random musings.

The words were out of my mouth (or in this case, off my fingers, as it was written in a text) before I knew what I was doing.  And once I had sent the link, suddenly, I felt naked.  I had just given access to all my innermost thoughts and fears and anger and pain to someone I haven’t even MET yet.  Oy.

You may ask, why am I able to throw these words out into cyberspace and not have a neurotic panic attack?  Hells if I know.  But, I do know that the anger and the pain don’t  fester in my heart any longer.   And yes, it has been because I have had a place to put it all.

I guess all I can do it breathe, and hope that I don’t come off as TOO crazy.

Just the right amount of crazy.

Absolution


I harbored the pain
Inside my heart
Allowing it to grow –
to fester –
Until it consumed my soul.
Unwilling to permit it to ebb
Forcing it to flow once again
Until it drowned my thoughts.

Releasing the pain meant –
Releasing you,
Releasing us,
Releasing what we were,
Releasing what we were to be.

Releasing my pain meant –
Releasing you,
Releasing your guilt,
For what we never would be again.

My pain –
Your guilt –
Became our life line
Keeping us tethered
Unable to rejoin the past,
Yet
Unable to move forward.

Only in allowing the pain to ebb –
Only in severing the bond –
Only in releasing you –
Can true healing come.

So-
I offer you forgiveness
For my pain.
I offer you freedom
From our ties.
I offer you absolution
From your guilt.
And the peace that can only come
From
Release.

Drowning in the Dating Pool

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Now that I have poked my big toe back into dating pool to test the waters, I have just one reaction.

I hate dating.

There I’ve said it.

I mean I reeeeaaaaallllllyyyyy hate it.

I never was very good at it.  And, unlike a fine wine, it hasn’t gotten any better with age.

The whole process is nerve-wracking.  I meet someone.  We chat on-line.  We text all day.  We talk for hours on the phone.  I am witty.  I am charming.   Everything in going swimmingly.  Everything is clicking.   We decide to meet in person.

*gulp*

The big day arrives.  We text about how nervous we are.  How excited.

And it goes beautifully.  I am witty.  I am charming.

“You are so amazing!  Why are you still single?,” I am asked.

“Such a good question,” I reply as I flash my brightest smile.

The evening ends.  Things feel kinda good.  My head is above water.  I’ve learned to not get my hopes up, but…

More texting.

Discussions about meeting again.  We try to work around kid schedules.

Texts start to get farther and farther apart.

And eventually nothing.

And I know I am about to have to go through this all over again.

This is my cycle.

And frankly it makes me want to get as far away from the dating pool as possible.

It is exhausting to have to go through it over and over and over again.  My psyche is blue and shivering, longing for a thick warm towel to wrap around my shoulders.

I know several people who do not know how to swim, and don’t care to learn.  So, they just avoid any situation where they might be surrounded by water.

So, to continue my metaphor, perhaps I should just remove myself from the pool.  Get far far away.  After all, I can’t drown in the dating pool if I don’t get in.  But, I am not sure that is how I want to live my life.

I’ve already learned to ease my way into the water.  I no longer cannonball off the edge.

Maybe it’s just that I have forgotten how to swim and I need to put back on my floaties.  Or, get a swim instructor.  Or find a new pool.

Somethin’.

Because right now, I hate dating.

Really I do.

Deja vu

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I have been here before

Standing on the edge of the cliff

Questions swirling around in my brain

Trying to muster the nerve to jump

 

I have been here before

Standing on the edge of the cliff

Feeling the nervous excitement

Willing myself to not jump to soon

 

I have been here before

Standing on the edge of this cliff

But the last time

I barely survived

The end nearly killed me

 

So

As I have been here before

Standing on the edge of this cliff

Gazing at the ride before me

I am

Terrified

I SUPPOSE

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Scorned

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You think you were wronged

The woman scorned

You

The one who

Chose your own fate

You wanted to win

Get everything you demanded

But for you to win

Someone had to lose

For in every battle

There is never a draw

Only a winner

And

A loser

Victorious

You stand in judgment

Of all in your path

Gaze fixed on

Me

The one who lost

The one who lost everything

Yet

You think you were wronged

The woman scorned

You

Who retained everything

And

Me

Left only with

Shattered pieces

Of what was to be

The Usual Worries

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Worries worries everywhere

The Wish

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I wish I knew

What was going on in my head.

I wish I knew

What to make of all of it.

I wish I knew.

 

I wish I knew

What was going on in my heart.

I wish I knew

What is making it beat.

I wish I knew.

 

I wish I knew…

 

Separation Anxiety

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Sharing a silly moment

Sharing a silly moment

The Girl Child is leaving for camp tomorrow.

A week long sleep away camp.

Her first time sleeping away without a family member.

And it will be the longest I have ever gone without seeing her.

Ironically, she is the one who is doing fine.  Granted, she is a little nervous.  After all, she isn’t even 9 yet.  But, she is excited about all of the fun things she will get to do (it’s a performing arts camp – so, she will be in her element).  Just as long as she gets to bring her beloved Kitty Kat, life will be fine.

I, on the other hand, am trying to stay calm.  I am going to miss my Littlest Monkey.  My little doppelgänger.  My little blonde bundle of unbounded energy.  I am going to miss the way she will come up to interrupt me from what ever it is I am doing, and when I send her away – she says, “I just wanted a hug.”  I am going to miss her high-pitched little “Yes, Mommy!” when I ask her to help me make lunch.  I am going to miss how she snuggles up next to me.

Oh, sure, I am NOT going to miss her bossiness.  Nor will I miss her screaming and stomping and slamming whenever I have had the NERVE to ask her to do something she doesn’t want to do.

But, I do know I will spend nearly six days – 140 hours – 8,400 minutes – 504,000 seconds – wondering what she is doing.  If she is homesick.  If she is ok.

I know she will be.

She’s just like that.