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A Crush: an (almost) 13-year old boy’s perspective

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Ah, youth…

Pokemon, Pencils and People

I was at The Greater Good BBQ, having dinner after my brother’s 5th grade graduation celebration. The whole time there I felt as I was to barf.

Why?

Her.

My crush. Like Me in many ways. She likes Doctor Who, I like Doctor Who. She likes marsupials (namely the wombat), I like monotremes (namely the echidna). As I have just learned, she is reading Ray Bradbury’s “The Martian Chronicles”, I’ve already read  it.

I’ve been wondering, since tomorrow is the last day of school, if I should give her my number. I finally tell my mom that I will give her my number. As soon as I get home, I start to type my Number up. At the end I put an EXTERMINATE!!!!, the famous Dalek war cry, as a way of saying “I love you.” (although Daleks have no emotions).

The next day.

4 freaking final exams today.

The…

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Moving On

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I heard once that the one way to truly get over a former relationship is to move on to the next one.  How strange.  And how seemingly unfair to the next person.  To be used for the purpose of getting over someone else.  My question is, how, exactly, do you know when you are really emotionally ready for that?

Yes, I understand that there is only so long you can HOPE for a reconciliation – particularly if the relationship ended amicably – or if there are some unresolved issue.   I mean, it’s not like the love disappears overnight.  It is still there, right under the surface.

Take my relationship with my former love as an example.  There is no doubt in my mind that I still love him, even though it has been seven months since our “break-up.”  And no, not just because I am sitting around feeling sorry for myself that we are no longer together.  Well, that’s not overly true.  We are still “together,” but in a different way.   We have managed to remain friends.  Close friends.  Our relationship has moved on to a different phase.  But, if given the opportunity, I would welcome the chance to try our relationship again.  There were far more goods than bads.  It was right. Full of joy and love and happiness.   99% of the time.  But, the situation is/was so damn complicated, we never had the chance to have it be about US.   He and I have said that if our relationship had begun THIS April instead of LAST April, things would have been completely different.  If we had simply waited until his past was truly in his past and no longer in his present.  But, that isn’t how the story of us played out.  Unfortunately.

The fact of the matter is, it HAS been seven months since we ended what we had been.  And the fact of the matter is, he has “moved on.”  He is in a new relationship.  (It is even “Facebook worthy.”  He changed his relationship status.)   I gotta admit, I was surprised it happened so relatively soon.  There are times (only a few times) when I will doubt how “real” we were – because he has moved on, and I don’t quite seem ready to do so.  I mean, was I really that easy to get over?   God knows he hasn’t been.  But, in my heart  I know that what we had been was incredibly real and special and unique…which makes it even harder for me to stop looking longingly upon the closed door.

About a month ago, I fessed up and told my former love that I was still in love with him.  I felt he needed to know.  Not that I thought things would change.  Admittedly, I was pretty sure they wouldn’t.  But, I felt he had to know.  And not by reading my blog  – and deciphering the metaphors from my poems.  Just point blank.  I am still in love with you.  I do not regret saying it.  It came from my heart.  And I also know that no matter what happens in the future, I will always be in love with him.  It’s just how things are.  Relationships like ours don’t come along every day.  After all, it was one of those great loves that if you are fortunate enough to have one, it will change you for good.  Forever.

letting goBut, even seven months later, there is a part of me that feels as if I am betraying him – or us – if I were to move on.  How could I say I still love him, if I am ready to see someone else?  How could I say I would step right back in to what we had if I were to move on?  And would that be fair to the next person?  Knowing that in my heart I am still conflicted?

Who knows.

But, something happened this week that made me think that maybe, just maybe, I might be just about ready.  You see, I saw a former crush.  A wonderful, kind, sensitive, compassionate, creative man I had a MAJOR crush on for a couple of years – before children – before my ex-husband – before his ex-wife – before I had even met my former love.  And for the first time in seven months, I actually felt a little giddy at the thought of seeing someone.  You know.  Made sure I looked cute.  Tried my best to be witty.  Smiled a lot.  And I felt that old familiar feeling of my heart going pitter-patter.  Not that anything will happen – other than us getting together to chat about everything that has happened in the seven years since we have seen each other – but, it felt good to see  him.  Really good.  And I realized I had missed him.  So, it made me think maybe, just maybe, I was just about ready to move on.

Not that I suddenly don’t feel conflicted.  Because I do.

Not that I suddenly don’t love my former love.  Because I do.

Not that I suddenly stopped feeling a little guilty about thinking about moving on.  Because I do.

But, maybe it is time.

Maybe it is time to stop staring longingly at that closed door and see the ones that might open for me.

Maybe it is time for me to realize that it’s not that I don’t still care for my former love, but that I can’t control the fact that he has moved on.

Maybe it is time for me to take control and open a few doors.

Maybe it is time to move on.

Just maybe.

Do you like me? Check Yes. Check No.

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What is it about telling someone how you feel about them that makes it so damn terrifying?

It goes back to those early crushes in elementary school, doesn’t it?  The ones you would whisper to a friend and then say, “Don’t tell him I like him!  I would just DIE!

I guess it is a fear of rejection or something.  Fear that the person will laugh at you.  Fear that the person won’t feel the same way.

But, on the other hand, what if they did?  What if they too were whispering to THEIR friends the same thing about you?

Of course, if I had ended up with my childhood crush, then a friend of mine would not have her two glorious children – because she ended up marrying him.  But, I digress.

We do the same exact thing as adults.  We go right back to that fourth grade feeling of “he can’t know!  I will just DIE!”  So, instead we keep it inside, WONDERING if they feel the same way.  No one wants to be the one to say “I love you” first.  What if they don’t say it back?!?  Now the feeling is out there, like the proverbial elephant in the room.  Or those men who fret over whether or not their intended will say yes to a proposal of marriage.  Seems to me though, that if you have gotten to that point in your relationship you have a PRETTY good idea what the answer will be.  If you don’t then the time might not be right.

We want to know all the answers up front.  BEFORE taking the risk of speaking up.  But, then it becomes a vicious circle – and no one wants to be the one who breaks out.  We will act distant and awkward.  Give ourselves ulcers worrying about it.  Headaches.   Drink liters of alcohol.   All in the attempt to keep it inside (ironically though, too much liquid courage will cause EVERYTHING to spill out).

And then there are our poor friends.  The ones we dissect every conversation we have had with the other person and then ask, “Well?  What does that mean?”  It gets to the point where friends will start to avoid us, just so they don’t have to hear another word!  Of course, how would they know?  They aren’t the other person!

We could make it even more elementary school-ish if we ask a friend – who asks a friend – who asks a friend – who asks a friend – to ask him if he likes you.  And then have that big squealing moment when we hear “He likes you!”  Which of course means that both will say nothing to the other.  Another vicious circle.

Anything to avoid just looking at the person and saying, “I like you.  A lot.  Do you like me?”

Check yes.  Check no.