RSS Feed

Tag Archives: mothers and sons

Being a Mother Can Suck


There. I’ve said it. Being a mother can suck.

Please understand, I am not saying that it sucks to be a mother. I love the monkeys with all my heart and soul.  But, there are times when it sucks to be the mommy.

This morning was one of those times.   One of those mornings when I wanted to throw in the towel and just give up.  One of those mornings when I want to call the Monkey Daddy or the Nonna Monkey (my own mother) and admit my defeat and beg for them to simply raise them.  One of those mornings when I found myself envious of the childless.

Even as I write this, I understand how horrible that sounds. I understand there are those who are childless who desperately want to not be.  I understand there are those that due to custody issues would kill to have time with their children. I understand there are those who as they read this are looking up the number for Child Protective Services.

But, I also understand there are those who as they read this are thinking, “Finally!  Someone who has the guts to say it!”

This morning I found myself asking what I had done to deserve this. What kind of bad Karma I had brought upon myself?  What god had I angered to incur such a punishment?  And for how long was I to endure it?

I felt like Nancy Kerrigan, after she had been whacked on the knee, crying out to the heavens, “Why? Why? Why me?”

And the question wasn’t just rhetorical. I really wanted an answer, damn it!

Alas.  None came.  And I am fairly confident none will come.

So, I’ll say it again. Sometimes motherhood sucks.

But, I also know that when the Middle Monkey comes and sits next to me after Sunday School, he will snuggle up next to me, and say in that sweet little lisp, “I am sorry for screaming at you this morning.  I love you.”

And my heart will melt and I once again be reminded how much I love him and all will be right with the world.

At least until the next time.

*sigh*

The Middle Monkey and me, in a time where being a mother did not suck

image

Milestones

Posted on

wpid-CAM00120.jpgThis has been a week of milestones here in Happy Monkey Land.

The Middle Monkey crossed over from Cub Scouts to Boy Scouts, earning his Arrow of Light.

He also “graduated” from elementary school.

One of my favorite classes EVER graduated from high school.

The group of students that I “looped” with for three years, “graduated” from middle school (as I watched some of them at their ceremony, all I could see were the scared little third graders that walked into my class on that first day of school six years ago).

But, on this, my 100th post (such a milestone in itself), that I write about two HUGE milestones happening today.

1.)  Monkey #1 is turning 13 today.

2.) Thirteen years ago, I started this magical mystery tour of motherhood.

Both momentous in their own right.  Yet, neither one could have happened without the other.  And ironically, both of them almost did not happen.

The day of his birth was a difficult one.  Very difficult.  His labor wasn’t easy.  For two and a half hours, I tried to push him out.  I can remember watching the monitor and seeing his heart rate drop dramatically with every contraction.  The nurse was busy with two other births.  So, she was not as vigilant as she could have been.  I was a first time mother.  So, I didn’t know what was normal.  But, for two and a half hours, this continued.  Finally, the nurse sees what is happening on the monitor, and decides to get the doctor.  And with a little bit of help, my monkey was born.

My baby was here!  Finally!

But there was a problem.  His cord was wrapped around his neck.  Four times.  It had been impeding his progress – as well as slowly choking him.

And now my sweet monkey was not crying.  And he was bluish.  And he was limp.

For 20 minutes the team worked on him.  Suctioning.  Pounding.  Massaging.  Thankfully, I remember none of that.

All I can remember is saying, “Can someone please bring me my baby?”  Over and over and over.

And then after 20 of the longest minutes every recorded, his cries became stronger, and my little bundle of monkey was brought to me.

And he was pink.  And he was healthy.  And he was strong.

In the past thirteen years, I have frequently thought about the bullet that was dodged that day.  I think about the what COULD have beens.  But, each time I do, I thank God that all of the could have beens didn’t happen.  And that my sweet monkey is everything he SHOULD have been.

Quirky.  Creative.  Brilliant.  Curious.  Active.  Asperger-y.

Some think of the number 13 as a terribly unlucky number.  One to be avoided at all costs.

I chose to think of it as very VERY lucky.

So, happy birthday, my dear Monkey #1.

Rawr, rawr, baby Dino.  I love you more.

Where Has the Time Gone?: Part 2

Posted on

 

My goofy Monkey #1 - letting his freak flag fly

My goofy Monkey #1 – letting his freak flag fly

Monkey #1 will be 13 on the 25th of May.  *sigh* I will officially be the mother of a teenager.  And not just any teenager – one with Asperger’s.  Teenage hormonal issues are enough, without the addition of Asperger’s.  Puberty has just started to hit here in Happy Monkey Land – making things not so happy at times.  Of course, it is a little hard to figure out which is a hormone meltdown, and which is the general run of the mill Asperger meltdown.

Tomorrow is his “Rite 13” ceremony at church.  It is a time when the church welcomes all of these burgeoning teenagers in to the adult fold – and they transition into the youth groups.  Kinda like the Episcopal version of a Bar Mitzvah – without all the chanting.  😉  But it is a part of the service, where they figuratively move from their families to the youth.

Tonight, there is a dinner for the Rite 13ers and their families.  As a part of it, their parents are to write a letter to their child.  Lovely little sentiments giving pithy wisdom about entering adulthood.  Reflecting on memories of their childhoods and the adults they will be.

And for a person who has so many words running through my head all the time – I am stumped as to what to say to him.  I am drawing a complete blank.  Nothing is coming easily to me – at all.

I could tell him about the challenges he will face as a teenager – but I don’t really know what they will be.  His challenges will be – make that are – so different from mine, simply because of his Asperger’s.

I could tell him about what his adulthood will be like – but, I don’t really know what it will be.  His experiences will be different from mine.

(Of course, my block isn’t helped by the fact that The Middle Monkey and The Girl Child are currently screaming at each other.  But, I digress.)

I guess I just don’t know how to take all the words I want to say to him as a mother and put them down on a piece of paper.

I want to tell him how proud I am of how he deals with his challenges.

How I love the fact that he isn’t afraid to let his “freak flag fly.”

How I love the way he will still crawl into bed with me and snuggle.  Or rub my feet.  Or scratch my back.  And how he will still hold my hand IN PUBLIC!

How through all the trials and tribulations of his life, I can’t imagine my life without him in it.

Huh…I think I just found my words.

VIM

Posted on

It’s hard to be humble when you have a kid as freakin’ awesome as this!

Pokemon, Pencils and People

Daily Prompt: VIP.

Who’s the most important person in your life — and how would your day-to-day existence be different without them?

She always helps me with my homework (though I never usually need it) at the drop of a hat. She holds me when I feel stressed. She is the only one understands me. She is my helper. She knows (most of the time) what I need. She gives up on work whenever I don’t feel good at school to pick me up. If it had not been for her, most of my projects would not have been completed. She is my savior. If I want something, she will (normally) get it. Life is a whole lot easier with her. If it had not been for her, I would not be writing this. She is my Mom.

My Mom’s Blog

Happy Monkey Land

View original post