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Where Has the Time Gone?: Part 2

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My goofy Monkey #1 - letting his freak flag fly

My goofy Monkey #1 – letting his freak flag fly

Monkey #1 will be 13 on the 25th of May.  *sigh* I will officially be the mother of a teenager.  And not just any teenager – one with Asperger’s.  Teenage hormonal issues are enough, without the addition of Asperger’s.  Puberty has just started to hit here in Happy Monkey Land – making things not so happy at times.  Of course, it is a little hard to figure out which is a hormone meltdown, and which is the general run of the mill Asperger meltdown.

Tomorrow is his “Rite 13” ceremony at church.  It is a time when the church welcomes all of these burgeoning teenagers in to the adult fold – and they transition into the youth groups.  Kinda like the Episcopal version of a Bar Mitzvah – without all the chanting.  😉  But it is a part of the service, where they figuratively move from their families to the youth.

Tonight, there is a dinner for the Rite 13ers and their families.  As a part of it, their parents are to write a letter to their child.  Lovely little sentiments giving pithy wisdom about entering adulthood.  Reflecting on memories of their childhoods and the adults they will be.

And for a person who has so many words running through my head all the time – I am stumped as to what to say to him.  I am drawing a complete blank.  Nothing is coming easily to me – at all.

I could tell him about the challenges he will face as a teenager – but I don’t really know what they will be.  His challenges will be – make that are – so different from mine, simply because of his Asperger’s.

I could tell him about what his adulthood will be like – but, I don’t really know what it will be.  His experiences will be different from mine.

(Of course, my block isn’t helped by the fact that The Middle Monkey and The Girl Child are currently screaming at each other.  But, I digress.)

I guess I just don’t know how to take all the words I want to say to him as a mother and put them down on a piece of paper.

I want to tell him how proud I am of how he deals with his challenges.

How I love the fact that he isn’t afraid to let his “freak flag fly.”

How I love the way he will still crawl into bed with me and snuggle.  Or rub my feet.  Or scratch my back.  And how he will still hold my hand IN PUBLIC!

How through all the trials and tribulations of his life, I can’t imagine my life without him in it.

Huh…I think I just found my words.

Texty McTexter

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Daily Prompt: It’s a Text, Text, Text, Text World.

How do you communicate differently online than in person, if at all? How do you communicate emotion and intent in a purely written medium?

Ok.  I’ll admit it.  I’m a texter.  And an IMer.  I love texting for the EASE.  Need to quickly ask the Monkey Daddy what time he will be picking up the kids from my place?  No problem!  Just a few typed words, and VOILA!  An answer.

And IMing!  Wow!  What a concept!  When I am alone in the house, I am not actually alone, because I can be carrying on conversations with as many people as I want!  Word to the wise, though.  Make sure you know WHICH of the conversations you are currently responding to.  It can get BAD to write the wrong thing on the wrong conversation.

My former love and I spent the first two weeks before we even went out together messaging until the wee hours of the morning.  And even after we started dating, on the evenings we weren’t together, we were “chatting.”

There are a couple of reasons I like texting/messaging.

1.  You can say what you want to say when you want to say it.  Like I said, need to ask the ex a quick question?  Send a text.  And when you just want to tell someone you are thinking of them and hopefully bring a smile to their face – well you can do it.  Right then.

2. There is a bit of anonymity to it.  I have found myself being very much more open through the written word than I would be face-to-face.  I don’t have to worry about SEEING the reaction of the other person.  Both positive and negative.

3.  I have time to think about what I have to say – and I can rewrite if necessary.  I have a bad case of verbal diarrhea.  Particularly when I am anxious.  Or nervous.  Or excited.  Or my ADHD meds have worn off.  And I can ramble.  On and on and on and on and on.  I can easily say too much – WAY too much.  Or I can suddenly get so shy, I don’t know what to say.  So, I have a chance to re-read what I have written and THEN send it.  Not that I haven’t hit send and then thought, “CRAP!  Did I really send that?!?”  Because I have.  As I have referenced before.  Besides, I am ever so witty with the written word…

There are drawbacks to using the written form, however.

1.  I am VERY sarcastic (or as I say, I am fluent in three languages, English, sarcasm, and innuendo).  And SOMETIMES the tongue in cheek way I MEANT for it to come out, isn’t how it is reflected in words.  Needless to say, I rely on the “winky face” emoticon… AND CAPITAL LETTERS!

2.  There is nothing worse than not getting a response!  Particularly when you have just made a big emotional reveal.  It gets my mind all swirly.  I start to wonder if they saw it.  Or if they are ignoring it.  Or OMG…WHAT IF THEY ARE IGNORING ME!  WHY WON’T YOU ANSWER ME?!?!?!?  And then the crazies start to take over.

Yet, even with the pauses in messages, it still doesn’t seem as bad as the uncomfortable silence you sometimes have when face to face.

Technology.  Love it or hate it, things just aren’t the same without it.

Another F@#$ing Blog?!? WHY?!!!???!!!!

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Why do you blog?

Daily Prompt: Million-Dollar Question.

Yes, I am fully aware this is a reaaaaallllllyyyyyy old daily prompt.  But, it was posted during my self-imposed radio silence – so, I am just now getting to it.

I have been blogging for somewhere around seven months. I began shortly after the demise of my relationship with the man I had believed would be my happily ever after.   I felt I needed an outlet for all the random crap running through my head.

Well, that, AND I have a bad case of verbal diarrhea.  I tend to say whatever comes to mind – and I suddenly found myself without someone with which to share my pithy pearls of wisdom.  So, why not unleash them upon the unsuspecting public? (cue evil laugh…)  MMMMWWWWWAAAAHHHHAAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I had initially intended on blogging about life in general.  But, as you can see, I am all over the freakin’ place!  A little bit about teaching.  A little bit about motherhood.  A little bit about lost love.  A little bit of poetry.  A little bit of everything under the sun!  I’m not overly surprised though.  That’s pretty much how my brain works.  Damn ADHD…

So, you dear reader, get a little bit of whatever pops into my swirly little brain.  All I can hope for it that it at least OCCASIONALLY it makes sense!

Smooches to you all!


Out from Radio Silence

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Calming the bees

My dear friends.  I am so very sorry I haven’t written in several weeks, but my mind has either been blank – or too swirly to write.  You know, that chaotic jumble of thoughts where you can’t even begin to pick out ONE to focus upon.  Kinda like bees swarming in their hive.  I feel like I have needed one of those beekeeper dudes to bring a smudge pot to calm the bees so my thoughts can easily bee extracted (pun intended).

Recently it has also been hard for me to write about the events in my life without sounding too whiney or too weak – two character traits I abhor in myself.

However, I think the main reason I have been unable to put fingers to keyboard isn’t that I don’t have anything to say – but more because of who reads this blog.  Well, specifically ONE person who reads my random musings.  And since thoughts of him, of us, of what we were, and of what we never will be again are at the center of the vortex of swirly thoughts, I knew that by writing them down – I was actually sharing them with him.  And as we all know, sharing thoughts about another is so very hard to do.

The true irony is that he once called me the most open person he had ever met.  He was awed by how I will say whatever is on my mind.  He was both fascinated and frightened by it.  Terrified because I could also tell exactly what was running through his mind – even things he couldn’t verbalize.

Yet now, I hold my thoughts for fear of him running off.  Spooking him – like some hungry orphaned kitten who runs off as soon as you try to handle him.  ZIP!  Right back into his hiding place until the next time you manage to coax him out.  No sudden movements!  Or he’ll be gone again!  Running for his life – or maybe running away from the new life.

But, while he may at times act scared and confused with me, he is not that little lost kitten.  And if reading my words spooks him, so be it.  Hopefully, he will remember that my frankness is one of the many things he fell in love with.

So, my dear readers, back to my writing.  Back to voicing my mind.  Back to expressing myself in the only way I know how.  With words.  Many many words.

Oh, how I have missed it.

On Blogging

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winding road

I have come to love blogging.  Truly love it.

I love that it gives me a chance to write.  I wasn’t always a writer.  Or, at least I didn’t think I was.  I never really liked writing fiction.  And non-fiction?  Oy.  All those research papers were just tedious.  My ADHD made it REALLY hard to focus on the topic.  REALLY hard. All those notecards and outlines.  UGH.   But, I could always manage to pull something brilliant out of my butt and get a fairly decent grade.

What I did enjoy was writing little snippets about things in my life  – whenever those little snippets struck me.  Little poems.  Or pieces of poetic prose.  And while I had a feeling they were pretty good, I didn’t have an organized place to put them.  I have little scraps of paper lying around where I jotted down ideas.

And friends did always say I always knew just the right thing to say – and MAN, could I work a metaphor.

That is where blogging comes in.  It became the perfect place for me to write.

I look at other people’s blogs and I notice how FOCUSED they are.  Their blogs have a theme!  Blogs on poetry.  Blogs on family.  Blogs on fashion.  Blogs on mental-health.  Blogs on music.  Bogs on education.  Pretty well focused on a single topic.

And then I look at mine.  The posts are all over the place!  I’ve got a little bit of everything!  No focus.  Just like that picture above.  Wandering.  And I begin to think maybe I need to have a bit more of a point!

But, I realize that rambling road is like my mind.  All over the place!  I am not very single focused.  Not one little bit.

I guess that is my theme then.  Literally the rambling musings of my mind.  After all, it isn’t about the directness of the path, it’s about the destination.

Like the Beatles said, “It’s the long and winding road, that leads me back, to your door.”  And I am glad my winding road leads me to your door.

I don’t know why…

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Yesterday, a friend of mine asked about the turn in my posts.  She asked what prompted it.

My answer?  Hell if I know.

Half the time, when I write, I have no idea what is actually going to come out.  It just appears.

Obviously though, some things have been on my mind.  Things that I wish I could say out loud.  Not just throw it up into cyberspace and see where it lands.

After all, that is the reason I started this blog.  To get the random crap running around in my mind out and inflict it on other people.  🙂

I just hope that by expressing my thoughts, I haven’t caused any undo tension.  Because that was never the intension.

Words, words, words

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In my everyday life outside of Happy Monkeyland, I teach.  Thirty-one 4th graders – all subjects.  Including, writing.  The process and the craft of writing.  And like all good writing teachers, I teach them about brainstorming and rough drafts and editing, etc, etc.  I tell them to PLAN their writing.  Afterall, isn’t that what all good writers do?  Sure they do.  Right?

Ironically, that is not how I approach the writing process.  Not one little bit.

I can have an idea in my head, kinda bouncing around, but not be able to write a word.  If I try to force it, I won’t be happy with the outcome – if there is a finished product.  Frequently it is an idea I hadn’t even thought about, a piece will just pop into my head.  When the words are finally ready to come out, they flow forth fully formed.  Like Athena being born out of Zeus, fully formed and ready to rumble.  The words don’t really care what I am doing, when they are ready I had better be ready, or else they will move on and I will be unable to find them again.  Nor do they care where I am, I had better take pencil to paper (my preferred tools), or they will run away as quickly as they came.  Often it happens in the middle of church.  I have pages and pages tucked into my choir folder.

This is one of those pieces that fell out of my head and onto the paper while sitting in the choir well.  Have no fear – it is not recent.  It is perhaps a few years old.  I just came upon it.

It is the Music

When all is a pit of emptiness,

It is the music that fills me.

When all is floating away,

It is the music that grounds me.

When all is a cavern of deep despair,

It is the music that lifts me.

When all is crumbling ruins,

It is the music that strengthens me.

When all is dead and dying,

It is the music that enlivens me.

And when all is in pieces,

It is the music that makes me whole.